i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
