He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
