I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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