I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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