I think my vagina is haunted
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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