so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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