I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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