She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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