So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
