"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
