I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
