textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
