just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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