I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
