u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize