Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
