Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
