Just fell off a train. Bad.
I look better un-naked...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
