Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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