It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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