He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
