so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
