Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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