i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize