smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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