Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I think I died a long time ago.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
