Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
