So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
