Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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