i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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