No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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