Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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