I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
