i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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