Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
