sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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