Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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