So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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