This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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