Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
