dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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