I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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