if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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