mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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