The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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