It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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