Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
