Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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