There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
