right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just found a bag of teeth...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
