Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
