I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
