I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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