Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
