so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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