I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
