Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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