What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
