Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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