So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
