if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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