You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
