he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she pinky promised me she was 18
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
